Got some gas money for this Road Trip?

Where am I? I am here.  I am not there yet, but I have made it this far into the journey and unless I want to turn into some sort of ragged and torn quitter, then there is no turning  back now.  I am not yet pleased or even remotely close to pleased with my naked reflection in the mirror.  Yes I boast about how wonderful my clothes fit, however that's the outer me.  What I need is to look fabulously fly in my birthday suit.  Bottom line is I am not where I want to be yet but I am well on my way.  Note to self: This is why I fly, road trips are for people who want to slow down and taste the scenery, I just want an expedited arrival.

This fucking road trip to weight loss is like being stuck in traffic at the Ohio Turn Pike, when you have front row tickets to a Kid Rock concert and it starts in just two hours.  In other words, this shit feels like it is taking forever, and I am anxious as hell.  I realize I have not yet made it to my two month mark yet, and I know it took a few years to put on my starting weight's fat composition; but damn this shit seems to not be working as fast or as miraculous as I want it to.  I am not sure what I expected after the first week, the first month, or the first victory?  One thing is for sure I did not expect to be pissed off with myself for not yet being hollywood skinny!

I'm so mad with myself, I could call Wayne (my pizza delivery guy) and order up some shit.  But I won't, I'm too stubborn, and because I am a winner not a quitter.  I will be damned if I lose to myself that would be like a failure of all failures.  I am not set up to lose, fail, or even do a little bit bad so I can't quit.  Damn!

My Mommy always said, and still says (almost daily) "anything worth having you have to work for."  Well dammit I am working for this shit!  I have never worked so hard to earn something in my life (and I am a hard worker.)   But in my typical 'Only Child Syndrome Voice' I want to yell ITS NOT FAIR, I WANT TO BE THINNER NOW, I DON'T WANT TO WAIT.  And I know my mother will reassure me with some comforting cynical, yet proven knowledge like "Honey Rome was not built in a day."  But we are not talking about Rome here, nor ancient fucking Egyptians, with motar and clay.  We are talking about me. I WANT IT NOW!!!

Okay, I admit this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I thought maybe get rid of carbs for a few days, and viola! Look at you bikini body!  All self told lies.  Are you fucking kidding me, already?  It's the second month and all I have to say for myself is that I can give away my size 3X - 18 clothes.  Clothes, for the past month or more its all about the outer.  Time for me to lose some of this inner baggage too! 

When I committed to this I jumped in head first, as always; its a trait of an Aries, born under a Cancer Moon with an Aries Rising.  Then I back stroked and partially read the Atkins book, Saint Atkins I like to call him.  When I felt I had enough knowledge and stamina I rammed forward again, only to be left where I am now.  I am changing the outer but not the inner.  I have written so much about how this is a lifestyle change.  But really the only thing that I have changed is that I am following a regimented diet and exercising more.  I have not yet shed any pounds from my inner; so you assholes it is time to work on me from inside out.  Like people get Vagina rejuvenations, I need a spiritual rejuvenation! This does not mean I am going to roll with the Bible Thumping, Rhinestone Hat and Glove Wearing Holy Rollers it means I am going to start working on my own inner spirit --starting five minutes ago.

I truly feel that the person you were as a child inside is deeply suppressed as an adult by the need to conform to societies view of who you are.  But really, I was such an awesome child I should have never changed that!  I was loving caring, adoring, kind and even friendly if you can believe that shit.  Now days, I can be mean, callus, bitchy an asshole and many other adjectives that I am sure the FCC does not allow; but this is not me.  This is not the me I knew as a child.  I cannot yet map my internal recovery because this too is yet another long ass road trip, however I can begin with identifying some small steps to get there.

So along with my dreaded spandex on Wednesday to please my outer; I will identify some inner goals to work on as well.  Who knew a desire to lose some weight could turn into a desire to transform myself? I sure as hell didn't, and yet the saga continues...

Xoxo,

BG