Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Aunt Flo -- Bound by Blood

Soooo here comes this bitch ... strolling up to my door like she is a welcome visitor and shit.  Smiling that smirk little grin of hers carrying not only a bag but a backpack too -- yeah this bitch rolled up in here with baggage and shit.  DING DONG my biological doorbell goes as I double over in contraction style pains.  Damn cramp hit me so bad, I hit the fucking floor like I was in Dessert Storm and shit.  As I yelped like a puppy; this bitch did it again, DING DONG!!! I mustard up just barely enough energy to open the door and in rushes this BITCH AUNT FLO!!!!

I am always happy to see family, well SEE family but not be with them; and she drops her back pack at the door as my lower back muscles are playing some Andrew Lloyd Webber shit on lower spine.   I further double over in pain, crawling like a crackhead looking for a pipe to my Motrin 800 stash.

"Holaaaaa" this bitch yells, (like she speaks spanish and shit.)

"Fuck you" I say back between the pain strikes my pelvis is raging against me.
"I have something for you dear", she says in her smug old lady voice.
"I don't want it!" I detest from the floor.
"Oooooh but you dooooo." She says singingly -- like she could have ever been in Motown.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?" I ask in pure disgust from my fetal position on the floor.
"Oh, Baybae I have brought you some food cravings!" She said sounding like she won the Mega Millions.
"Bitch get the fuck outta my house!!!" I muster up, as my back wages war on my hips.
"But baby girl, those White Castle burgers are fresh and hot." She said.

 Just then Satan took over my mind, and body, I grabbed the car keys as I was no longer able to withstand the pain from the seige of the cramps, this bitch's mental warfare, and my daughter's ache for french fries; so off we went.

Now not only on this trip to White Castle did we get some shit but like a REAL LIVE FAT BITCH, we ate it there!!!!!!  YES THAT'S RIGHT I ATE IT.  3 DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS, a small fry and a diet coke. Now Auntie's ass was sitting across from me the whole time drinking ice water saying: "Gone ahead baby eat that shit up you know you need it."

Wellllllll by the time my first White Castle dine in experience was over not only did I feel a case of severe gas coming on, I also felt fatter than I have ever been, and DEPRESSED!!!!  As soon as Aunt Flo laid down for her nap I popped a few colon cleansers and drank a shitload of water!!! And just to be on the safe side I ate an additional 1lb of green beans to work the colon cleansers through my system.

Now in a few days I will be tired of this bitch and her mood swings and all this damn drama she brought with her and she and I may possibly have a shoot out.  But until then, I will just stay to myself.  I really hate these "visits"; but you know the old folks say:

It's blood it don't come not thicker!

(I'd rather be thicker than a snicker)


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Bitch Ass Beef!

Well I can whole hardheartedly say I am DONE WITH BEEF!  I must have been crazy to make my bean-less chili with ground beef instead of ground turkey on Sunday.  Since May I have only had beef two times once back in July (and I was not feeling up to par for about a week); and on Sunday even indulging on Monday for leftovers.  Welllllllllll that Damn, beef I don't know how I consumed it before!

 It had my stomach feeling like it it declared Jihad on my Ass!  Heartburn! Bloated! Constipated! Gassy -- (and couldn't flagellate)! Thirstier than one of them damn vampires from Twilight!  That shit is not for me.  So I am not eating beef ever again.  I felt like I had a pile of bricks in my stomach, I was even doing the walk of the hunch back I felt that heavy.

Well I guess that is what I get after only eating Chicken, Seafood and (occasionally) Pork.  My poor tummy and bootay were raging pissed with me.  Dear body I am sorry the next cow we have will be in the form of a chair, couch, shoe, belt, purse or jacket!


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Fat Ass Update-- 9/13/2011

It's September already, my oh my how these wonderful summer days flew by!  School started back and pretty soon the grass will cease needing to be cut, the trees will give a color show of leaves (then I gotta rake that bull shit up); and I will have to find a great fall jacket collection to sport -- a trip to the resale shop is in order. But here I am in September I have been going hard all summer, reshaping my mind, body and now working on my soul.  So without further ado I present to you my #FatAssUpdate.

Food Choices
Let me tell you, the amount of carbohydrates in food do not form a great relationship with my Atkins lifestyle.  I looked at flour tortilla shells the other day in the grocery store and there are 18 grams of carbs in ONE FUCKING SHELL!  Yeah one little ass 6" round shell.  I damn near punted those fuckers across three aisles.  So I opted to make chili (no beans.)  It was scrumptious!!!!  Otherwise, I have had a hard time remembering to eat again, so it is becoming a forced behavior.  Not eating = fat retention; and since I am such a fat burning junkie now a days remember to eat is right up there with reminding myself to get gas for the car. 

I have given away dresses, shirts, slacks, sweat pants!  Yup I can't fit that shit and I will not allow myself to be large enough to wear any of that shit again therefore, I humbly say peace out to that shit and I am looking forward to new smaller sizes.  I am refusing to go shopping until at least December or January unless I need an item or two; however I will not be doing any recreational outfit shopping.  Hell, I have saved so much money doing this.

I force myself to hit the gym daily,  I take off on Sunday, mainly because the children's room there is closed, and I don't want to pay a sitter or impose on a neighbor.  I have even forged some associations there.  One girl I met named Victoria goes sooo hard its amazing, like on the elliptical which I have zero threshold for she gets on there and does an hour.  I'm like doubling my work out to her elliptical because I have to do 45 mins on the treadmill and 30 mins on the bike to get the same effects.  Hopefully I can get over my fear of that damn thing.  But you know I am clumsy so falling off it is pretty much another trepidation which I need to overcome. 

How I Feel  I feel amazing!!!!!!!!! Simply put not much more than that.  I am toning and I feel great.  Muscle burns fat and I am burning all kinds of fat.  My support system is growing, however even without anyone supporting me my drive, and will power are what actually keep me going.  Not to mention the next pair of #FridayJeans that are a size 16 Junior whew squeezing into those puppies is like being High School fat in an High School Skinny mind.

My progress is amazing, hard work, effort and motivation are paying off.
Fat Ass Update 08/28/2011
Fat Ass Update 07/30/2011


Spandex Plain and (not) Simple

So I gathered up all my courage after doing a few tours at the gym and threw on the Spandex again.  Well you know what?  I was pleasantly surprised.  I feel like Picasso with an open canvas and a lot of stretchy material who is sweaty with nervous palms.  Okay, I do not feel like the original Picasso; but bayyyyybae I am a work of art (in progress) ... to have and to hold.  (Prints are extra Ha!)