Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Aunt Flo -- Bound by Blood

Soooo here comes this bitch ... strolling up to my door like she is a welcome visitor and shit.  Smiling that smirk little grin of hers carrying not only a bag but a backpack too -- yeah this bitch rolled up in here with baggage and shit.  DING DONG my biological doorbell goes as I double over in contraction style pains.  Damn cramp hit me so bad, I hit the fucking floor like I was in Dessert Storm and shit.  As I yelped like a puppy; this bitch did it again, DING DONG!!! I mustard up just barely enough energy to open the door and in rushes this BITCH AUNT FLO!!!!

I am always happy to see family, well SEE family but not be with them; and she drops her back pack at the door as my lower back muscles are playing some Andrew Lloyd Webber shit on lower spine.   I further double over in pain, crawling like a crackhead looking for a pipe to my Motrin 800 stash.

"Holaaaaa" this bitch yells, (like she speaks spanish and shit.)

"Fuck you" I say back between the pain strikes my pelvis is raging against me.
"I have something for you dear", she says in her smug old lady voice.
"I don't want it!" I detest from the floor.
"Oooooh but you dooooo." She says singingly -- like she could have ever been in Motown.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?" I ask in pure disgust from my fetal position on the floor.
"Oh, Baybae I have brought you some food cravings!" She said sounding like she won the Mega Millions.
"Bitch get the fuck outta my house!!!" I muster up, as my back wages war on my hips.
"But baby girl, those White Castle burgers are fresh and hot." She said.

 Just then Satan took over my mind, and body, I grabbed the car keys as I was no longer able to withstand the pain from the seige of the cramps, this bitch's mental warfare, and my daughter's ache for french fries; so off we went.

Now not only on this trip to White Castle did we get some shit but like a REAL LIVE FAT BITCH, we ate it there!!!!!!  YES THAT'S RIGHT I ATE IT.  3 DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS, a small fry and a diet coke. Now Auntie's ass was sitting across from me the whole time drinking ice water saying: "Gone ahead baby eat that shit up you know you need it."

Wellllllll by the time my first White Castle dine in experience was over not only did I feel a case of severe gas coming on, I also felt fatter than I have ever been, and DEPRESSED!!!!  As soon as Aunt Flo laid down for her nap I popped a few colon cleansers and drank a shitload of water!!! And just to be on the safe side I ate an additional 1lb of green beans to work the colon cleansers through my system.

Now in a few days I will be tired of this bitch and her mood swings and all this damn drama she brought with her and she and I may possibly have a shoot out.  But until then, I will just stay to myself.  I really hate these "visits"; but you know the old folks say:

It's blood it don't come not thicker!

(I'd rather be thicker than a snicker)


1 comment:

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